| sitting, waiting, wishing |
[17 Mar 2010|12:15am] |
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I'm scared of myself. Sometimes I don't know what's my limits and how much I can hold inside me. I'm afraid I'll succumb to stupid thoughts again. Just thinking of it makes me sick. I managed to hold on for four days. FOUR DAYS. Short, but to me, it's like a huge achievement. Trying to restrict myself, challenge myself to not succumb. But tonight, I faltered. I can't take it anymore. I feel a physical pain and I can't quite explain it but I know it's really hurting me. I don't wanna lose hope or track in life. I just started to find it. But I'm losing it, it's becoming blurry all of a sudden. I'm just afraid that I'll give up this easily. It's so hard to convince myself. You've no idea how heavvy my heart is. For the first time, I'm scared that I might have to re-take accountings next sememster. I can't even sleep. I can't even study. And paper's just two days away. What am I doing? C, I really miss you. Tell me what am I supposed to do? Give me a sign? Give me a direction? I hate how weak I am. Can't even get through this? Please don't tell me another sleepless night? I had a hard time trying to stay awake at work today. And it's only the first day. I'm already sick of it. There's nothing to look forward to. I cannot even garner enough courage to talk to you. That's how weak I am. Shows how much a coward I am. I don't wanna wallow in self-pity. But tonight, last night, it's hard to get by. C, how're you doing? Is life better? Are you happier? (You really have no idea...)
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